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From Sparky and All the Others!!
Sniffy's Wild Bird Ride
While the old folks were on a bike ride recently, Sniffy hopped out of the van and snuck up on a big bird, like rats do, and he got a piece of string around the bird's neck and hijacked him! Be sure to click on the pitcher to see it reel big.
He said that he could see all kinds of things from way up high where he made the bird take him. He rode around fer a half hour or so, then came back, and the bird waited while Sniffy got back into the van and got a couple of crackers and gave them to that bird, and that made the bird smile reel big!
Sniffy told us it was a good thing that he had
watched lots of cowboy movies, cuz that's how he knew how to drive that bird
with the piece of string that he lassoed him with.
When buying a gun it is important to remember that there are reasons that different persons choose different guns for specific reasons.
For instance, cowboys always buy cowboy guns called "revolvers" cuz the correct models have holes for six bullets and the pointy end of the bullet is covered by a strong cover. This strong cover serves two purposes. It keeps dirt off the bullets so they don't get dirty and it also keeps the bullet from falling out of the gun due to the extreme bouncing that happens when you ride a horse or a car with bad tires or bent wheels.
Sometimes the bullet falls out of the end of the barrel on pistol guns cuz it don't have any kind of cover to prevent this constant problem. Fortunately, when you pull the trigger the round thing that still has 5 good bullets turns around to the next bullet and by pulling the trigger again you can still shoot something with it.
Also there are two kinds of "Revolver" Guns. There's gangster guns called "Gats" and Cowboy Guns called "Cowboy Guns." Gangster Guns have a reel short bullet pipe cuz when they're making somebuddy go and get in their car for a one way ride to get them some cement shoes the gun needs to be short so it can be hidden in their pocket so nobuddy where they're kidnapping the guy knows what is going on. The pitcher at right shows a Gat with a exter long bullet pipe. They're usually about half that long.
Cowboy Guns have the reel long bullet pipe cuz there's lots of times when a feller needs to use his gun for a hammer. Frinstance when a feller needs to hang up a gerage sale sign or wanted poster its reel easy to hammer the nails in without looking all over for a hammer. If you did it a lot you could probably get a exter holster and have your gun on one side and a hammer on the other side, but the guys at the saloon might laugh at you, so it's jest easier to use your gun instead.
Rifle guns also don't have any cover over the bullet either. That's why cowboys always have to pull the handle before they shoot at anything. That handle finds another bullet that you have previously stuck in through a hole in the side of the thingy that holds the handle, and puts it in the hole where it gets shot out when you pull the trigger. The only way you can ride a horse with a bullet already in that hole is if you have one of those cool horse rifle gun carrying holders that fastens to the side of the horse. It holds the rifle gun at the same angle that train tracks run, I think they call that "horizontal," so no matter how much the horse bumps the bullet don't fall out and end up in the dirt.
Bumpy horses is also why cowboys drink whiskey instead of pop cuz pop bottles explode like nitroglycerine if they get shook too much.
There's a rumor that you can train a horse to not walk or run bumpy. I seen one of those horses on TV the other night. He was walking real funny, like a sissy actually, cuz I think they blow up something with nitroglycerine and make the horse watch, then they put a jug of it on him and everybuddy runs and hides while he learns to walk and run without the nitro blowing up. If a horse don't get blown up he's usually a real good smooth walker and popular enough to get shown on TV and he's a real hero or something.
I already know that if a horse like that showed up
walking that way in some old cowboy town somebuddy would probably shoot
him cuz they'd think he was sick or something. That's what they do to
horses that can't walk real good.
Buying Yard Equipment
Don't buy no wheelbarrows or wagons made by Acme
cuz they always break or fall apart or grab aholt of a feller and throw
him for a loop and get him injured and even seriously hurt sometimes.
When buying goldfish remember to always try to get
little ones cuz they're cheaper than big ones. The ones that you buy for
8 cents each actually have a 3 cent brain and that's not much thinking
power; that's why they seem to be pretty stupid. If you buy a big 25
cent fish remember that it still has that 3 cent brain cuz they don't
get any smarter when they get bigger. But that 3 cent brain has to run a
25 cent body so it has 2 work real hard and a lot of things don't get
done real good. I was trying to train one of them some things but it's
real hard cuz they have a short attenshun span and they don't learn
nothing. Somebuddy on one of those animal shows said he was teaching his
to not need to eat and he was doing real good (the fish, not the guy)
and just as he thought he had him trained, the dumb thing went and died.
The "Rambo Rope"
My best friend Hiram was the first in the family to wear a "Rambo Rope." He came home from the store with just a cloth ribbon tied around his neck like a necktie and I guess it looked cool enough for those times. Then one day Hiram and a couple of the other guys was clowning around and eating chocolate chip cookies and drinking coffee and getting real crazy and the necktie wound up around Hiram's head just below his ears, and Boy, did it look cool! It started a new thing around the place and Hiram wore that Rambo Rag around his head for quite a while until it started to bend down his fur underneath it and it looked like he had a scar where it had been, so he took it off and somebody else wore it til they got a scar too.
Then one day Sparky found a real nice green rope on the garage floor and he got to thinking how he might be able to invent something with it. It was strong like a rope that Rin Tin Tin had rescued somebody out of a well with, and it was a real nice dark green so it wouldn't show the dirt, so he finally remembered that old Rambo Rag, so he tied a knot in it and stuck it on his head and it really looked great! Since it was made from a piece of rope, of course, it would be called a Rambo Rope.
Then Sniffy found a piece of gold colored rope on the floor and made it into a Rambo Rope, too. His is gold colored so he has to be real careful when eating spaghetti or Mexican Food or it will show the stains real bad. He also has to be real careful with his tail for the same reason. He also added some gold shiny beads to his Rambo Rope after watching a movie where the lady had some of those big beads in her hair. His Rambo Rope is probably the coolest one in the entire neighborhood.
Following is the complete directions for you to make your own Rambo Rope. To make a Rambo Rag, you have to use a piece of cloth instead.
Take a piece of string that you can find on almost any garage floor or out in the yard. Wrap it around your head where you want to wear it and pull one end down to where it kinda hangs down to your neck. Tie a knot in it and adjust it so it's not too tight. Now cut off the other end after you and all of your best friends decide how long to make it so it looks the coolest. Now you can untie it and see how long it is all together. The next step is to look all around the neighborhood til you find a piece of the correct size and color of rope that you can take home with you. After getting it home, you can put it next to the piece of string that you used to measure on your head and cut the rope to the same size. Then you simply tie it in a knot and put it around your head and just like magic you'll look real cool and you'll have a piece of rope with you at all times to use for all sorts of things of a safety nature.
Frinstance, if somebuddy gets snake bit on the ear you can tie it around their neck to keep the poison out til the guy at the hospital can get to work on them. If somebuddy falls down the well you can usually throw it down so they can get out. You can tie it around your pants to keep them from falling down if you don't have a belt. You can use it to smack somebuddy on the back when you're mad at them. You can use it to tie yourself into the car so in case of a wreck you won't fly out and get mangled. You can use it to tie yourself up in the air out of sight under the bed until bath time is over with and it's too late and you have to miss your turn til next year. You can use it to have fun with the neighbor's cat by tying him up inside a car that's gonna go to New York pretty soon. Course, you'll need to go get another one cuz hopefully that cat won't be back.
If you're like us guys and go to work reglarly and earn cash, then you will be able to afford to just hitch a ride to the rope store and get almost any color or size of rope to use for your project. That's when you can become really cool, and some guys even have several different Rambo Ropes they can wear depending on what they're doing.
The Easter Bunny
Here are some interesting facts about the Easter Bunny. I jest found out what his reel name is. I never woulda guessed that his original name was Percival Pflueglehorn. He changed it cuz little kids couldn't say it even once in a row.
Frinstance, it would be reely hard for a little kid to ask his mom, "Mommy, when is Percival Pflueglehorn coming?" That's why he changed it in the summer of 1853 right after dinner.
Actually, the Easter Bunny isn't jest a guy, he also has a lot of helpers in his family, and a lot of them are girls, and they let him think he's the boss, even though they do whatever they all want to. All of them call each other "The Easter Bunny."
The other thing I learned was that bunnies don't lay no chocolate eggs. They make them out of chocolate that they get when they squish chocolate beans that they grow on special plants in their big plantation that they have at the in-between pole near the Panama Canal where it's reel hot and there are a lot of jungle trees there so nobuddy don't find them and cause no trubble for nobuddy. They also trade some of their chocolate for other things like jelly beans and all the other stuff they give to kids all over the world.
They don't have no sled or deers cuz they can hop so fast that they found it to be easier to jest hop around and take candy with them.
They don't like climbing down no chimneys either, so they traded Santa Claus some of their chocolate eggs for his invention that lets them open your front door and put the goodies on your table. That's why Santa Claus is so fat. In some cases that invention don't work on certain locks so they jest leave them hidden in the grass and bushes around your house.
All About Donuts
Their seems to be a lot of confusion about the various kinds of donuts and other things about them. A lot of people think that all donuts are round and have a hole in the middle. I got to wondering about why they cut out that hole then sell the donut holes separately, cuz that seems like a lot of extra work.
I ate a donut, then I ate a donut hole. They pretty much tasted the same, cept that I had to eat about 8 or 7 donut holes just to get full, and they're reel hard to dip into coffee without dropping them. For that reason I perfer to just eat a reglar donut instead and they can feed them holes to some wild animals that jump in there garbage can after they throw them out.
Another thing is that some donut making places give you 13 donuts when you only order 12 of them. This is called a "Baker's Dozen." They do this so if you get one of the bad ones that they mighta dropped on the floor or burned one side of it reel bad, they just give it to you instead of throwing it away. I don't know why they call 12 donuts a dozen instead of just calling it twelve donuts. Maybe some people think it's easier to say "Gimme a dozen donuts" instead of "Please give me 12 donuts."
We got into this argument before when we tried to decide why they call a "Taco" a Taco. It's cuz if they called it "a pair of pliers," then what would they call that pair of pliers? It gets reel complikated whenever you try to find out something important like that. Then we tried to decide why they call it a pair of pliers when it is just one thing. Then somebody asked about the pair of pants and why we don't wear a pair of shirts. I know why they don't sell a pair of donuts. It would just be a waste of time. Two donuts wouldn't even be enough to bother getting your teeth and whiskers dirty over.
Their's two kinds of donuts also. Theirs cake donuts and raised donuts. Cake donuts are made out of the stuff they make cake out of, but they don't put no candles in them cuz they'd melt when they cook them in that hot grease. Also they're real heavy cuz there made from solid cake stuff that soaks up a lot of that cooking grease and a lot of that icing that they soak them in to make them exter good. If you can get them to soak them in chocolate fudge syrup there really good. There also real heavy, so you can only eat just 8 or 7 or so before almost getting sick.
Raised donuts are made from some flowers and water and some powdered bugs that make the mixed up stuff blow up like little balloons inside the dough stuff. If you let the mixture sit for a hour or so they puff up pretty big. If you ferget and let them puff up too long, they'le eventually get so big and fluffy they'll float away cuz all those little balloons take over and that's what happens. When they cook the donuts in that grease it kills those bugs and they don't puff up no more and they also don't soak up much of that yummy grease. For that reason they usually put on some icing like they commonly put on cakes cuz it dries on top of the donuts and don't fall off for a couple of weeks till the donuts get really nice and crunchy.
There's also a really cool invention that some lazy guy invented. He got tired of drilling out those holes so he just cooked some of them with the holes still in and the donut puffed up reel good. Then he took one of them things that the doctor uses to give you a shot in the butt, except that it was a reel big one, and he filled it up with jelly and gave the donut a shot of that jelly. Then he put some icing on top and made a really good donut. It was so good that I wanted to eat 9 of them, but they were so big that I could only eat three of them till I almost got sick.
Then there's another kind of donuts that they sell
a lot of them in New York. They call them "Bagels," and they
make them reel cheap. They make some flowers and water mixture with some
other ingredients and mix it up reel good and I think they even put in
some salt and onions and other yucky ingredients. Then they somehow make
them with a hole already in them, probably so they don't have to drill
out the hole and throw it away. Then they cook them in hot water. If you
cut them apart like two slices of bread, you can glob cream cheese all
over them and they're not too bad, except that they're reel dry and you
also have to put on your own grease if you want them to taste like
they're not made out of cardboard. You can use butter in a pinch, but I
recommend that you just stick with the
There's lots of other things made like donuts, but if your a perfectionist like me you would be wise to stick with the ordinary jelly donut. Donuts that are shaped like the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus or a witch on a broom are just gimmicks and since they taste exactly the same, they're not worth the extra money.
Another reel good and wholesome food is a Cheese
Danish. It's sort of like a donut, but it's sort of square and filled
with some kind of stuff they call cheese. When I think of cheese I
always think of that Rat Cheese like my brother Sniffy likes. Rat cheese
has holes already ate out of the slices where the rat got chased off
before he could finish eating it. Anyway, Sniffy thinks that they take a
piece of rat cheese and mix it with icing and butter and sugar and a lot
of other yummy ingredients and put it into that Cheese Danish, Then they
put some icing on top and put it into a plastic wrapper that keeps it
from drying out. When you buy it at the place where they sell them the
first thing you have to do is figger out how to rip a hole in that
plastic wrapper so you can tear it off and start eating. Them Danishes
don't seem to go reel good with coffee cuz their too big to fit in the
cup for dipping and if you just pour coffee on them they get pretty
soggy and you can't eat them with a fork no more. But they're reel good
anyway, so my brother Hiram invented a way that you can just eat a big
bite of that Danish then take a drink of coffee and it's just as good as
taking a reglar donut and dipping it into the coffee like a lot of
Cinnamon Rolls can be perty good, but they don't always make them real good. Frinstance, sometimes when they are on sale, like "buy one package and get two more fer free," you should inspect them carefully. What they do is pick up all the bread stuff mixture off the floor that fell there when they threw it at each other like a snowball fight. Then they smoosh it flat and put cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on it to cover any slight dirt that might have got onto it. Then they roll it up in a circle that's about 3 inches around then cut it off in pieces about a inch long. Then they put them close together into a tinfoil pan and they start to swell up and get fat. When they get fat enough to start to jump out of the tinfoil pan, they stick them into a oven to cook them and kill all the germs so nobody don't get sick. Then they squirt on some icing to cover up any dirt that you might still be able to see. Don't nobody worry, cuz there's not usually any reel dirt on the floor. They wear some white bootees that they put on when they come into the room where they work with the bread stuff, and they don't smoke no segars or nothin, so things stay reel clean so you don't need to worry none.
Pie is another good dessert, but it is so full of stuff that I always thought of it as "Junk Food." It goes pretty good with coffee or milk, but never with root beer. For that reason I don't rate it very high as a dessert or even just to snack in front of the TV.
If you're like me, you probably just perfer the icing. It's reel hard to make, but you ken get it in a can that you open just like soup. It's a lot better than soup, though, cuz it comes in better flavors like chocolate, coffee, stromberry, cherry, vanilla, and another couple that I forgot about. You sort of eat it like pudding, but it's more concentrated so you don't have to eat so much of it to get full. And it goes reel good with coffee. In fact, if you're a adventuresome person, you can just put about 18 or 15 spoons of icing in your coffee and mix it up reel good and drink it. It's reely exter good that way.
The Latest About Cats
You might have noticed on many TV shows they show somebuddy calling the fire department to get their cat out of the tree. This is jest one more reason to not have anything to do with a cat.
Back in the old days...actually in the caveman days, everybuddy lived in caves and caves didn't never catch on fire and burn down, so there weren't any firemen back then, and, of course there was no need for firemen and fire trucks weren't invented yet so they just weren't available even if you were a rich guy.
Getting back to the cats, back then people had only dogs cuz horses weren't invented yet but dogs could bark and let you know if a dinosauer was gonna come in and eat you up or something. There weren't any cats running around cuz every time one of them went up a tree and he couldn't get back down, it was jest too bad. He jest stayed there until one of those terry-daktel dinosauers came flying by and grabbed him up fer dinner. The ones that din't get ate up jest stayed there and starved cuz they were too stuck up to eat tree leaves and they eventually dropped dead and starved.
Since there wasn't no scientists or concerned citizens yet back then nobuddy worried much about all them cat skeletons piling up in the trees. When a tree died and fell down the skeletons fell out and landed in the dirt and nobuddy payed much attenshun cuz they was mostly busy trying to figger out how to catch dinosauers and mammoth elephants for dinner, and cat skeletons was the last thing on anybuddy's mind. Over zillions of years the trees full of cat skeletons kept falling down and wound up in a big pile all over the place. Then everybuddy moved away and the trees got covered up with dirt and eventually something happent to them and they became petrified and turned to stone. The cats also became mad first then petrified and also turned to stone.
That's why if you go to the petrified forest in Arizona they still sell pieces of petrified trees, but they keep thinking the petrified cats are some kind of dinosauers or something. And they won't sell you any of their bones or skeletons. They jest keep putting them in drawers and saving them for something.
Ha, ha, ha, I jest got tickled when one of my friends reminded me about the time somebuddy called a cop to get the cat out of a tree, cuz the firemen were busy squirting water on a fire somewhere else. Anyway, cops aren't the exactly same as firemen and they don't have no ladders on the top of their cop cars, so they usually get cats out of the tree with their gun. Then the guy jest has to go get him a new cat. And since you can't never train a cat to do any neat tricks, you jest have to train him to come in for time to eat, and that's reel easy cuz that's about all we see that cats ever do. Also, they can't never run no computer or typewriter cuz their claws always scratch the letters off of the buttons so they can't tell what their typing.
As we all know, dogs are reel
different, cuz you have to teach them how to pertect you and how to run
for help if the mine caves in or if somebuddy falls down the well. Some
of them even can go get the newspaper, so they're much more valuable and
harder to replace, but, of course, they don't never climb up in no trees
so that's a problem you jest won't never have to deal with.
The Haunted Cat
Did you ever see such a scary feller as the Haunted Cat in this here pitcher? His eyes jest look right through you, kinda like Xray Vision, but he's not even close to being like Superman. Actually, I think he might reely be a girl, cuz his name is some kind of a car name like Cadillac, or Lamborghini, or Mercedes or maybe Beemer, I can't remember, but I heard some lady on TV with the same name, so it's probably Mercedes. As soon as this feller seen my gun, he jest sat there and got reel quiet, and din't even act interested in my brother Sniffy, who looks sorta like a mouse, even though he's reely our Family Rat.
P. S.: Don't send me no nasty letters about what I say about cats. Remember, I'm a dog, so that's jest my opinion, as well as a bunch of others also who have the same opinion. I also know that if cats wasn't busy having a bad day they would also say the same thing about dogs and everything else on the planet. NOTE: This cat was not physically harmed during this picture shoot, but his mood was pretty bad.
I was watching an interesting program the other night and it showed a guy putting new shoes on a reel big horse. This wasn't jest a reglar cowboy horse, it was a reely big horse-wagon horse.
First the guy took a wire brush thingy and cleaned a lot of gook out of the horse's foot next to the shoe. Then he took a big wire cutter thingy and pried the horseshoe off and pulled out some nails.
Next he took a wire brush and brushed off the bottom of the horse's foot. Yukkk...it hurt me jest to watch, and the horse turned around and looked till he couldn't look neither.
Then the guy took a funny looking knife and started cutting off part of the foot inside the hoof. Then he got his big wire cutter thingy again and cut off part of the horse's hoof. He then got a giant file and filed away on that foot until he decided it looked jest right.
He kept saying to clean around everything except leave the frog alone. I couldn't believe it, but that horse had a dried out frog stuck in the middle of his foot, and the guy jest left it there. I remember hearing that all horses have a frog on each foot, but I still don't know why, so I jest guess they all go around stepping on frogs.
Anyway, The next thing he (the little guy) did was to bring over a red hot horseshoe and he stuck it on the horses foot and a cloud of smoke came out right away! If I was that horse, that little guy would have taken the place right next to that frog, but that horse must have been in a reel good mood cuz he din't even get mad. Then the guy filed off the burned spots and did it another couple of times till the shoe fit jest right. He took some special nails and nailed that shoe onto the bottom of the horse's foot. Yeooow...I couldn't watch, and the horse still din't stomp on the guy.
The final thing was to touch up everything with that big file, file off the sharp ends of the nails that stuck out of the side of his (the horse's) foot and file his thing that looked like a fingernail and pretty him up reel good.
I don't know, but us guys jest go barefoot cuz our
feet are a lot like a horse foot and reglar shoes don't stay on very
good, and none of us are willing to let nobody staple or sew shoes on
The Weed Goats
Me and Jim was out riding around and we seen a guy putting up a funny fence. He had some of those metal fence posts that cowboys hammer into the ground with their guns then put Bob Wire on them to keep their cows from running off. Then he had some pieces of that wire they put in the hole and pour cement on to make a sidewalk. That wire is welded together to make a section about 3 feet tall and 8 feet long and it looks like a big tic-tac-toe thing except with more lines, and the guy fastens them to the fence posts with those things that you tie around the bread bag to keep it closed so no cooties can get in and eat holes in the bread.
We came back a little while later and that same guy was there with a different truck and trailer and he let out a bunch of goats and they was running wild all over that side of a little hill and they musta been starved cuz they was eating up all the weeds. By the time they left all of them weeds was gone and the hill was bare. The next day went by that place again, so we could show Sparky, and them goats was on a different part of that hill and they was still eating up more weeds, so they must be weed goats.
Sparky checked his www machine under weed goats and it said that there is a guy here in Denver that gets paid by the city to let his goats run wild and eat up weeds so they don't catch on fire and burn up (the weeds, not the goats).
We also seen a pitcher on TV about some old country where they have a lot of goats and that looked jest like that hill when them goats was done, so we guessed that goats jest like to eat weeds and stickers and stuff.
For more information about these weed goats you can't click here and get any information cuz they took away that web page. But you can search the web for "Weed Goats" and see what you find.
We seen a movie the other night on TV (we watch a lot of TV) and the guy was driving on the wrong side of the street. Then when he got into town everybuddy was driving on the wrong side of all the streets. Then they was talking about how it was in England and they jest drive on the wrong side of the street all the time cuz that's what everybuddy there wants to do.
Then they get into trubble when they cross over the border into another country where they drive on the correct side of the street and there is a mad scramble when everybuddy is trying to cross over to the other side of the street and there are all sorts of terrible crashes and also a few good ones where somebuddy crashes up a car they was going to get rid of anyway.
I think the guy said there was a
hospital close to the one border so when you get in a crash you ken jest
walk there and not get into an ambulance that might also get crashed up
when he tries to cross over.
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