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Sparky is known throughout the house as one who enjoys coming up with new inventions and new uses for older inventions.

Sparky got a reel cool book for Christmas. Its title is "How Stuff Works." This exciting book should help Sparky in his constant quest for developing new inventions! 

For those of you who are also interested in such things, click below for more information:  

http://www.howstuffworks.com/index.htm 

Sparky's New Playing Cards

by Sparky

I have seen a lot of old cowboy movies where somebuddy gets caught cheating at cards, and then there is a shoot-out or a reel big saloon fight where everything gets busted up and the saloon is out of business fer a couple of days, and everybuddy doesn't have nowhere to go, so they might hang around on the side of the street and get hit by a runaway horse or get into other kinds of trubble.

Fer that reason I recently invented a new invention in playing cards. As you ken see in the picture at right, my new cards don't have no marks or other printing on either side.  That way you don't never need to shuffle them, which is reel hard when you don't have no thumbs or fingers, like all of us guys.

It also cuts down or completely eliminates cheating, cuz since all the cards are zacktly the same, it doesn't matter which ones you get when somebuddy deals them to you.

When we play cards around here, to simplify things and not have to remember a lot of complicated rules, we jest take turns winning each hand.  We normally go from left to right.  In this picture, the guy on my right wins the first hand, then the guy to his right wins the next hand, and so on.  Then when it gets to the end of the line, we all get up and trade places so it ken still go from left to right.  That also gives us a chance to stretch our legs and go see if anybuddy brought home any root beer and chocolate chip cookies yet.

Then at the end of the time when we're playing cards, we ken then jest toss a coin to find out who was the final winner of the day.

See how simple this is?

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Health Alert

by Sparky

Recent research has revealed that many people are in danger of inhaling coffee vapors that often contain a lot of caffeine.  This is known to the medical profession as "Second Hand Caffeine."  

Some people are trying to get restaurants to set aside a "Non Caffeine Section" for those of us who don't want to suffer the effects of inhaling "Second Hand Caffeine."  Certain individuals suffer Caffeine withdrawal headaches, and if they breathe in caffeine fumes, they can unknowingly suffer from withdrawal the following day, even though they didn't drink any caffeinated coffee!

This is a potentially serious health problem and should not be taken lightly.  Contact your health professional if you believe you are at risk!

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Stapler Technology

Many of you have one of those desktop staplers that has the little staple leg bending thingy that you ken change from one way to the other way.  Many people have asked me what that is used fer, so I did a lot of research and here is the answer.  (If you click on the picture, it'll make it reel big so you ken see the 2 different kinds of staples this stapler ken make fer you).  Remember...if you click on the picture reel fast it'll make it get bigger reel fast, and if you click on it reel hard it'll make it even bigger!

There was this guy named Jim-Bob Bostitch, who was the bosses's son, and he was in charge of development of the world famous Bostitch Stapler, and he made the thingy that bends the bottom of the staple, but he put in the smoosher thing backwards in the stamping machine that makes those staple leg bender thing grooves.

Since he was the bossess'es's son, nobuddy wanted 2 say nothing so everybuddy clapped and whistled and barked and drank a lot of root beer and chocolate milk and celebrated the final invention that would make the stapler something that the whole world was waiting 4.  Be4 that everybuddy had to turn over the paper that they stapled and hammer over those stapler legs, and it was a reel problem.

After a while some people decided that there was a better way to bend in those legs, and that was to make a exter set of those staple leg bending grooves that went the other way, and another team of experts developed such a device.  Since nobuddy wanted to make Jim-Bob Bostitch mad or get the old man mad at them, they jest put them into that plate on the bottom and made it so it could swivel around, and told Jim-Bob that was to make it balance better when the machine stamped out those little plates.  Then they sent out all of them with the plate installed so the staple legs turned in like they do even in 4th, 5th, and even 6th World countries.

Then everybuddy pertended like nobuddy knew anything about nothing, so Jim-Bob could get on to some more inventing, like putting a little bend in2 the top of those strips of staples, and he even gave it a special name, "B2", which used the "B" from his name.

It's sort of like the story of "The Emperor's New Clothes."

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Elecktrishical Tape

Another recent project involves the harnessing of electricity from electrical tape. If there was no electricity within the rolls of tape, then they wouldn't be likely to call it "Electrical Tape." Using common household articles, he is exploring all avenues of approach in his quest to learn how he can utilize the latent electricity that will just go to waste sitting in that roll of tape, and feed it into the dead batteries that will be used to power his Acme Racecar.

Of course, there are those who scoff, as there are for virtually any endeavor. F'rinstance there are people who said that Mack McJones was an idiot. In that particular case they turned out to be correct, but in Sparky's case he will ultimately prove them to be wrong.

Air Compressor Adapter
A previous invention that has yet to prove its usefulness is the adapter that permits one to simply plug one end of the cord into an ordinary wall socket and the other end quickly hooks up to any air-powered tool, providing instant air and eliminating noises normally associated with an ordinary air compressor. Initial tests caused the circuit breaker to blow up and plunge the basement workshop into immediate darkness.

After replacing the burned up circuit breaker a follow-up test caused sparks to shoot out of the wall socket as the device was being plugged in. After careful examination of the device it was learned that the wrong size of wire was used for the prototype device. A future model will soon be tested using much larger wire. Another possibility being explored is that it is believed that by introducing air into the air hose end, it will probably be possible to turn the air back into electricity!!

Sparky is also working on a complete line of simplified power tools. First in the expandible line is an Electric Hamber, which plugs into any wall socket and makes short work out of any building job around the house. Plans also call for an adapter to enable you to plug it into a roll of electric tape if you're way out in the yard and don't want to bother with an extenshun cord.

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The Square Circle

by Sparky Meagher

The development of a usable Square Circle will have a profound impact on virtually all areas of industry as well as the personal sector. This will minimize inventory levels in many instances, thus freeing up space and money in certain cases. Another area of development is the eventual development of an oval rectangle or rectangular oval.

As can be seen in the illustration above, the perfect square is on the left. This turns out to be the best shape for storage, leaving no empty space as in the example of the circle, center. On the other hand, a circle is the most efficient shape for anything that must roll, such as a wheel. By combining the best features of both shapes, I am developing the "Squircle." 

The advantages of the "Squircle" are many. For example, Squircular eggs, oranges and grapefruit won't be inclined to roll off the table.

A squircular shaped wheel might at first seem to be of little or no use, but just consider how many times that grocery cart took off down the hill as you were opening your trunk. If it banged into another car, you know it left a dent, not to mention possibly damaging some of the tater chips or boxes of crackers in the cart. On your car, at first you might be inclined to believe that it would ride too rough, but remember that you would no longer need to use your emergency brake in all but the steepest of parking lots. The gear called "Park" could be eliminated from all automatic transmissions, thus saving some amount of money and eliminating some additional parts that would be subject to damage during the lifetime of the car.

Also remember that  your car would not be inclined to start rolling when stopped at a traffic light. Wheel balancing and rotating would be eliminated because the slight perceived vibration would be consistent and would become unnoticeable after the initial time span required to get used to the new concept.

As with any new invention, there are bound to be those who would scoff at the idea. For instance, somebody already asked about square apples. These were initially grown in a small apple orchard in southern Arizona in 1934. By putting a small square box around the growing apple, it easily grew into a perfect square, eliminating the problem with it falling off the tree and rolling away or becoming bruised. Those of you who understand the basic laws of physics will realize that 27% more apples fit into a given space inside a rectangular wooden box that is typically used to ship apples to market. This adds up to an immense savings in boxes required to ship the fruit. Add to that the larger surface area imposed by flat surfaces upon each other and it is quickly seen that damaged fruit caused by the round arcs resting upon each other cause pressure points that can result in bruises in that area.

Square nails were used to build George Washington's house, and other than the house getting burned down a long time ago, the nails did just fine. Also remember that most houses 'cept Indian tents are either square or rectangular cuz round buildings are reel hard to make cuz you can't buy no round lumber. If trees was square you wouldn't get no 2x4 boards with bark still on the corners.

Square screwdrivers have been used for a long time so a feller can put a wrench on the square part of it and make the screw tighter. 

Square Donuts could be easily made. There's no reel reason that they make them round 'cept that's what they always did, and they could also eliminate the hole in the middle while they're at it. I seen Cheese Danish pastries that are almost square, and they are reel good, even great!

As with any new technology, there are still a bunch of hurdles to overcome, many due to tradition and public suspicion, but in the end common sense will prevail and we will all be seeing more and more "Squircular" products of every description.

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The Electric Hammer

Never does a day go by where you won't see somebody working up a sweat using an old fashioned hammer to build things, to fix things, or even to tear down an old building.

This is an extremely inefficient method used since the days of the dinosauers by the cavemen. They din't really have a nice shiny hammer like we have today, but in a pinch they used a rock fastened to a stick. They never had any nails either, so they musta used that stone hammer to whack things on the head that they was gonna cook and eat. And also to hammer sticks into the ground to make something that required them to hammer a stick into the ground.

Anyway, the other thing that happens to carpenters and others who use a hammer a lot is that they get something called "Hammer Elbow." The doctors call it "Tunnel Syndrome" or something like that, probably cuz those old miners who dug tunnels used a hammer and chisel a lot and their elbows always got whacked out after a long time of hammering on that chisel. Another name sometimes is "Burr Sitis," cuz them tunnels and also mines are reel cold and when your elbow gets sore and you sit down you quickly cool off and get cold, and somebuddy pretty soon says, "Burr."

Another name is Carpal Tunnel, named cuz when they was chiseling the rocks out to build the train tunnel in the Carpel Mountains in Switzerland, a lot of the guys got sore bones also. Switzerland is also where they invented that Rat Cheeze that has holes in it most of the time, cuz they must have a lot of rats there that get into the cheeze factory. In Switzerland they call it "Swiss Cheeze." Everybuddy in Switzerland knows the rats was nibbling on it, so they send it to us in America. Also that's what happens when bad guys shoot up some other bad guy's old black car...when the cops find it they say, "His car was all shot up like Swiss Cheeze!"

To solve this problem I am developing a light weight electric hammer. Older models have been around for quite a while, but they use a motor and lots of gears and spinning things and are reel heavy, so the illustration above shows what has been called "Utter Simplicity" by those who have seen it. (The picture, that is, making a reel hammer is a ways off, due to a lot of other projects that must come first, and also the reel one will have a reel long electric wire so a feller can take it out in the yard. A battery model might also be possible).

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Speed Up That Printer

The pitcher on the right shows you how I discovered how to make the printer run faster by pulling on the paper. I saw somebuddy in a restaurant doing that to the Master Card machine and it sure seemed to work real good so I tried it and it really works. I should have known, because it works on the same principle cowboys use with their guns—when you pull the trigger faster it makes the bullets go faster.
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My Newest Business Venture

by Sparky Meagher

The logo at right will appear on the new stores I plan on opening as soon as financing can be completed and patents are granted on an international basis. (Click on photo for larger image).

The plan is quite simple.  Everybuddy likes donuts, but there are those who will always spread the rumor that they're not too healthy for some people, and there is also an ugly rumor about donuts being fattening for certain individuals.

Donuts-R-Us Stores will provide healthy donuts for everybuddy, regardless of their personal health. Our in-store Doctor will quickly write you a prescription for all the medicine you are taking, plus vitamins, minerals, supplements, and anything else you might need, then we will mush them up into the donut dough and quickly fry you up a batch of donuts custom tailored to your particular health needs.

The more of our donuts you eat, the healthier you will be!!

These stores will be located in convenient locations and will be open every morning from 9:00 a.m. until 11:00 p.m., seven days a week.

Other items will include Prescription Coffee, and Prescription Bagels for the more health conscious people.  Watch fer them coming soon.

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Bad Waffles

There was a reel good movie on TV the other day and the folks was having waffles for dinner. Us guys got so hungry for waffles jest watching that movie that I decided to see if we had some of that waffle making powder that comes in a big box. I found an almost full box of Pancake and Waffle Mix in the food closet, so we decided to have some waffles fer lunch.

Sniffy and Leroy got out the cooking thing that goes on top of the stove while me and Spinnaker carefully read the instructions and mixed up some of that powder with other ingredients to make that waffle stuff. After carefully mixing it till all of the lumps was gone and it looked reel smooth, it said to pour some of the mixture on the lektrik waffle cooker. We din't have no special waffle cooker so we jest dumped some of that mixture on the cooking thing on top of the stove.

The first ones got reel burned so we threw them out. Then it said somewhere on the box that if you're making pancakes, you need to cook them on the bottom first, then turn them over and let them also cook on the top till they're all cooked reel good. We din't want no pancakes, but we decided to try the same thing to make them waffles.

We cooked a bunch of them on the bottom first, then turned them over, but no matter how hard we tried them things jest kept turning into pancakes instead of waffles. We even tried to figger out how we could cook the top first jest to see if that would make a difference, but we never did figger that out, so we ended up having to eat pancakes instead of waffles.

Then about a week later we tried it again, and the zakt same thing happened, even though we mixed the recipe different. That's when somebuddy mentioned that that might have been Acme Waffle Powder, and everybuddy knows that everything that Acme makes seems to cause trubble fer the end user. It din't say Acme on the box, but we think that they're changing their name cuz of all the trubble they have caused over the years.
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